All the fat is the Lord's: The Bible's guide to Thanksgiving dinner

Rodeo Mayıs 13, 2022

There are some things that God cares deeply about -- sex, foreskins, menstruation, and animal sacrifice, for example.

And food.

Most Christians forget about that. They prepare and eat food on Thanksgiving that God abhors, while thanking him for it. And it really pisses him off (insofar as an imaginary being can be pissed off, that is).

Don't make that mistake this Thanksgiving.

Here are some suggestions for a biblically correct Thanksgiving dinner.

Some things are abominations to God. Don't eat them. This includes:

pork (No Thanksgiving ham),

The swine ... is unclean to you ... their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch. Leviticus 11:7-8
clams, lobsters, shrimp,

All that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you: Leviticus 11:10
four-legged creeping fowls,

All fowls that creep, going upon all four, shall be an abomination unto you. Leviticus 11:20
most four-legged flying creeping things with legs above their feet (grasshoppers, locusts, and beetles are exceptions)

All other flying creeping things, which have four feet, shall be an abomination unto you. Leviticus 11:21-23
Every creeping thing that flieth is unclean unto you: they shall not be eaten. Deuteronomy 14:19
whatever crawls on its belly, goes on all four, or has lots of legs

Whatsoever goeth upon the belly, and whatsoever goeth upon all four, or whatsoever hath more feet among all creeping things that creep upon the earth ... are an abomination. Leviticus 11:42
Don't eat anything with blood. (No goddamned Thanksgiving blood sausage)

Ye shall eat no manner of blood, whether it be of fowl or of beast. Leviticus 7:26

Ye shall not eat any thing with the blood. Leviticus 19:26
Don't eat anything with fat (God loves fat and he doesn't like to share. So no animal fat or gravy.)

All the fat is the Lord's. Leviticus 3:16

Ye shall eat no manner of fat. Leviticus 7:23
Don't eat any uncircumcised fruit.

When ye shall come into the land, and shall have planted all manner of trees for food, then ye shall count the fruit thereof as uncircumcised: three years shall it be as uncircumcised unto you: it shall not be eaten Leviticus 19:23

OK, but what can be eaten on Thanksgiving without upsetting God too much?

Here are a few biblically-based suggestions.

Invite your family, friends, and neighbors over for Thanksgiving.
And eat them.

Ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26:29

Thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters. Deuteronomy 28:53

I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend. Jeremiah 19:9

The fathers shall eat the sons in the midst of thee, and the sons shall eat their fathers. Ezekiel 5:10
Eat the flesh of your own arm and get drunk on your own blood (as with sweet wine).

They shall eat every man the flesh of his own arm. Isaiah 9:19-20

I will feed them ... with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine. Isaiah 49:26
Spice things up a little. Eat your own dung and drinking your own piss.

Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you? 2 Kings 18:27, Isaiah 36:12
Bake some Ezekiel 4:12 bread.

Take thou also unto thee wheat, and barley, and beans, and lentiles, and millet, and fitches, and put them in one vessel, and make thee bread thereof. Ezekiel 4:9

And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man. Ezekiel 12